1. Setting up next to a person with aggressive body odor. Oh, you went to a hot yoga class yesterday and didn’t bother to shower before showing up today? You’re, like, so close to the earth that you don’t want to waste water, and so the rest of us all have to deal with your chive crotch? Refusing to bathe or wear deodorant to a yoga class is both surprisingly common and should be considered an act of aggression (it also violates the principle of shaucha [purity], which extends to cleanliness of the body, and ahimsa, which means “nonviolence” and “compassion for others,” you smelly selfish jerk).
3. Accidentally farting in class. Sometimes the strain of chair pose is just too much.
4. When your teacher plays really terrible music during Savasana. Didn’t we all agree that Savasana was Official Bon Iver Time? Apparently some instructors haven’t gotten the message and play music so terrible it’s impossible to relax. John Mayer and 311 have no place in any decent and fair universe, let alone a yoga class.
5. Realizing you have volunteered to regularly come face-to-crack with a stranger. Ah, Prasarita Padottanasana, the wide-legged forward fold: It feels so good! Except when you’re in a packed class and you have to come into the pose by basically swiping your nose down the ass crack of the person in front of you (and the person behind you has their nose in your crack too). As you’re upside-down and already worried about how to come up without hitting them between the legs with your head, you realize you actually paid money for this experience.
6. Feeling yoga envy, then feeling guilty for feeling yoga envy. Wait, did that girl just press up into a handstand from Crow pose? Did that Instagram yoga star really just write that she’s only been practicing for two years? Yes, everyone’s practice is different and there’s no such thing as being “better” at yoga than the next person and envy is pretty un-yogic, but damn, that girl is way better than me, and now I’m both jealous and mad at myself for being a Bad Jealous Yoga Person.
7. The forever unrealized promise of open hips. Who are these people whose hips are “open”? And why are open hips some sign of emotional openness and mental flexibility and spiritual superiority? Because that smug girl who just easily tucked herself into Lotus elbowed you out of her way to grab the last block, so.
8. Falling. Onto your face out of Crow pose. Onto your back out of an inversion. Onto your other foot out of Half-Moon. Onto your hands out of Dancer. You never imagined that as a grown adult, you would spend so much time regularly humiliating yourself by falling on your ass in front of dozens of other people.
9. Crying in pigeon pose. Practice long enough and you’ll hear lots of teachers tell you that we hold emotions in our hips and that part of the process of hip-opening is also letting go of the pent-up feelings that don’t serve us anymore. It’s all eye-rolling bullshit until it’s the week after your broke up with your boyfriend and your cat just died, and after dropping $18 on this class you have $7.92 in your bank account, and you’re on the floor draped over your own calf and having All Of The Feelings, and oh god, you’re the girl who’s crying in a yoga class and everything those batty teachers ever said about emotions living in your hips was true and you just hope that Chive Crotch next to you doesn’t notice. Continue reading >>